If You Discover Me, Read This

This writing is addressed to any person who, by accident or investigation, finds out about my female identity.  There are some things I’d like you to understand, and a few requests I’d like to make.

I have gender dysphoria, identification with a gender different from the one determined by anatomy.  This condition has made me very depressed over the course of my life, and I have come to the conclusion that, if I do not act out in a way that honors my female self, I will continue to be depressed, and I will die in regret.

My wife knows.   I am not acting out behind her back, and I am not engaging in behaviors that disrespect utterly the promises I made to my wife when I married her.  She does not approve of my acting out, but she has come to understand that it is something I must do to be happy, so she has accepted it, reluctantly.

I am sorry for the pain I have injected into my marriage.  My wife knew about my proclivities prior to our having children, and, at that time, I told her that I could put my female identification away.   For almost twenty years, that’s just what I tried to do, at the expense of my mental health.

I don’t blame my wife for being unable to accept my female self.  If she does not wish to deal with this complication, that is her choice, though I’m saddened by it.

I am trying to be the best husband and father I can be.   It would be irresponsible to run from my responsibilities and promises to my family and my employer.

I don’t know how far I will have to go across the gender spectrum to be happy.  The demands placed upon me by the world, rightly or wrongly,  moderate my progress.  The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one, as Star Trek teaches.  I will get to where I am going, but it’s going to take a long time.

SO, if you have discovered me, please –

Let me work through this change in my own time.  I love my job, and I need my job to support my family.  What I am going through does not pertain to my employment in any way, other than that, the further I pursue my female self, the happier I will be, and a happy person is more effective in the workplace than an unhappy person.

If you enthusiastically support my effort, let me know. I don’t mind if you have stumbled upon my female self or have even done some poking around.  I’ve gained a great deal of strength from the people in my life who know about my journey and smile upon it.  If you’d like to be one of those special people, please speak up.

If you think my female appearance is funny, go ahead and laugh – I can handle it.  I realize I will never be Laverne Cox.  I am grappling with the fact that I will never be a beautiful woman.  I am too tall, too old, and too gangly – but that’s okay!

Please be very selective about who you tell about me, if anyone.  The world is changing rapidly.  It seems like tolerance toward LGBTQ people is growing at an astonishing rate.  However, there are, and will always be, people who believe that I am acting immorally, so please keep this fact in mind.  Perhaps we could just keep it between us?

Thank you for considering my perspective and my wishes.  XO, Laura Ann


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